Happy days.....of the past

A memory of paradise

Remember.........

My South Park self ;-)

Doesn't she look like me? :)

(hair, skin......background...the stars....as always)

One life. Live it well

Driving home tonight after being with the guys of work suddenly, like a beam of light (maybe it had something to do with Bruce Springsteen singing Santa Claus is coming back to town) I remembered Xmas.......and I thought no matter how dark lately my life has been.....Xmas is coming again.

And I have been loved. I have been a child sitting by the Xmas tree a Xmas eve, after everyone had gone to bed, with all the lights off, only the lights of the tree, daydreaming of my life to come, with the absolute warmth of certainty of being loved. Loved by my grandfather, my grandmother, my mother.

And Xmas is coming. And I have seen Ble live in concert a starlight night without knowing or expecting it. And I have seen Baryshnikov live. I have walked the ancient grounds of Stonehenge, have seen the sun set behind the Great Pyramid of Giza, have danced on a boat going down the Nile, have slept under the night sky in the Sahara.

I have loved in Prague and danced in the great halls of Hofburg in the Vienna Grand Ball.

I have seen the great halls of Alhabra, heard the birds in the garden of the Khalif, have stralled down the streets of Florence and seen the Mona Lisa up close and personal in the Louvre.

And Xmas is coming.

The gifts of life.

And after almost 18 years, without ever even hoping of something like this, a dream of mine has come true. In two months I am going to meet RDA in person. My only true role model, the man after whom I have molded the sculpture of my personality, my ethics, my beliefs, my fights.

And Xmas is coming.

And I feel life again, fearlessly travelling in my veins, like a fine wine with all the strength of the earth and the warmth of the sun and the sweetness of the spring rain. Like nectar from Samos.

Because, after all.......I am still here. Still me. I am still here, I exist and my head is still unbowed. And this time I am smiling:-)

True strength comes only from within us, from our own investment to our spirit and soul.

I have been true and honest and fought the good fight with devotion and passion. I have lost maybe but I stilll have me, I have not yielded to the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at all.

My fire is still alive, maybe trembling sometimes but still alive and as a phoenix ready to be rekindled.

After all........I am a dragon :-) And dragons are magical beasts.....brave and alone and fighting the good fight. Noone can bare being close to a dragon. The strength and innocent honesty and absolute passion and morality and pride and dedication are too much for anyone to bare. Its easier to be near kittens. Dragons are.....too much. And they only keep company with other dragons.

(I am listening to Nitro and the song is Strong Enough by Cher :

I dont need your sympathy
Theres nothing you can say or do for me
And I dont want a miracle
Youll never change for no one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

cos Im strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now Im strong enough
To know you gotta go

Theres no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
Im strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You dont wanna hear about it

Ive been losing sleep
Youve been going cheap
She aint worth half of me its true
Im telling you

Now Im strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now Im strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
Youll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, its true

Im telling you
That Im strong enough to live without you
Stron enough and I quit crying
Long enough now Im strong enough
To know you gotta go

Theres no more to say
So save your breath
And you walk away
No matter what I hear you say
Im strong enough to know you gotta go
)

Whom you let in....

You must be very careful who you let in....who you create a reality with.

Your reality is you.It must always be primarily you. Not anyone....ANYONE else.

A bleeding heart is something. A bleeding soul is dangerous. So much has happened lately...far too much. I need to reclaim my soul back right now...not tomorrow , tomorrow is far too late.

I know I don't believe in God, (it is kind of pretense remembering the divine when in need)) but, as always humans do when they are in pain, whoever you are if you are out there , if you do exist, give me hand here, a sign or something , because the shouting is too much. And I need your whisper.

"Nobody deceives us better than we deceive ourselves"

Seneca

How very true. We know and we allow ourselves to believe lies to spare ourselves the pain.......but the pain will be there .......deception does not last.

Tolstoy said “He sends a cross, but He also sends the strength to bear it.”

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.”

C.S.Lewis

And finally:

“There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.”

Aeyschylus

Some day I'll look back and laugh....Some day you'll look back and cry - Stolen kisses and stolen glances and pretty much anything stolen as long as you can get away with it.....that's who you are

So......as I said I'm still here. Maybe not happy....but still here.

I guess things could not have gone worse so I'm picking up pieces and trying to move on, a bit more cynic, a bit more tired, a bit more sad, a bit more angry, a lot more devastated and crushed.

But I'll live......even though I think this year's birthday is by far the worse I've ever had (the only exception being the time I was in the hospital).

I am very dissapointed and a lot more bitter.......I cannot believe what has happened nor understand it......

But I am glad for people like Vasilis and Dimitris and Peter and Evi who are just there.....making me smile :) Thanks guys:)

Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.


So.......life. Unique, wonderful , exciting, tragic, painful, fullfiling, extraordinary, spontaneous, rewarding, loving, human life.


What has happened in the last 12 months to me? What has my life been for the last 12 months?


Too many things to mention but not all that significant. Have I been deliriously happy? I have felt close to that but not quite...have I been devastated? Yeap.......more than once ...

Has this been a good year? Let's see.....I have tried to see other places in the world and came closer to my dream to see our beautiful planet, I have been in love, I have had new friends, I have broken bonds with the past, I have grown, I have evolved, I have returned to things I wanted to return to (Karate) and I have read dozens of books, heard hundreds of songs.

So....all in all one could say this has been a moderately good year.

What I haven't yet managed to discover is meaning. Meaning....what I always search for and never can quite grasp. I desperately need meaning. I love life. And I love my life, I am happy to be alive, to breathe, fell and think.

But I need meaning.

Lately I have come to the conclusion that I am not exactly an agnostic. I am a deeply spiritual person but none of the existing religions express my own belief.

In my deepest thoughts, where I draw my strength from there is a belief in a core of goodness and kindness. In a beginning more magnificent than anything ever imagined. And more beautiful.

Life can show you its beauty in moments you do not expect. Like playing chess with a strange child on a beach so far away.....like listening to music from a distant bar while speaking to someone you love who is far away.......like a night full of stars, like a song that makes your eyes water.....like a fragile flower with the strentgh and beauty of its fragility and short life.

I know birthdays are only a human way of measuring time...of reclaiming life. This time for me .......... it feels different.

Like a step.

Fear. I think this is what I feel now. I wish I could freeze time for a while and get back to that beach.......and just listen to the waves. Look at the sun.

But life goes on. For better or for worse tomorrow will come and go and I will still be here, sad or happy but still here.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

From the Matrix :
Oracle: I wanna tell you a little secret, being the one is just like being in love. No one needs to tell you you are in love, you just know it, through and through.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

James Dean

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

Well hello world I'm back:)

It's been....what a whole month!!!! since my last post. And so much has happened in a month. Sometimes I think every August is a time of change or of crisis. Well this summer has been a trully strange one.

While I was away I missed cyberspace but it was a needed break. I must admit it was strange not to touch a keyboard for weeks but still I forced myself not to.

However I did not loose the world as other times, mobile phones you see. Its strange to be so far away from home and yet still carry your own world with you, the people you care about and who care about you, your history, your problems and yourself.

It is true that the only person you cannot run away from is yourself , so you better be very good friends.

Surprisingly enough I do not feel as if I've been away at all.

I ve had good news and bad news and alarming news ever since I got back.

What I do miss though and have been unable to find is calmness. I feel as if my soul is in a constant thunderstorm. Not surprising under the circumstances, we all create our personal hell but sometimes we have assistance.

Well I've had some help indeed.

In 2 weeks is my birthday:) People are many times sad on birthdays.

I love my birthday. It means I've had one more year of life on this earth. Good or bad its still....LIFE! I am still alive, still growing and knowing and evolving and feeling. That's something to celebrate.

This year however it is a strange date for me. I anticipatte it with mixed feelings.

I may have been a complete idiot but I have been a knowing one. I have passed all the stages of being angry, tired, crazy, deliriously happy and tragically sad and now......I feel empty like someone who has prepared and sacrificed a lot for long and now.......has been emptied by efforts not necesserily succesful.

I think this is the most dangerous moment of all, the moment when you are left with nothing to loose so you don't really care if you blow everything up because you are so close to loosing yourself.

And this (for me) is unacceptable.

You know what I have missed? To lie on the beach, somewhere with no cell coverage, no communication with the outside world and no one else.....just me.....and silence...and the waves....I've missed...me ....really.

How do you mend a wounded spirit? How do you mend a wounded soul? I guess with tenderness and caring and appreciation. Every wound, every single wound is an add-on, something that piles up into a big wave that threatens to swallow your soul. My soul needs taking care of. Because she is tired and sad and alone. And every smile is an effort. I feel the sparks of life dimmed. And they are irreplaceable.

Surprisingly though general opinion seems to be I've grown much more beautifull in the last month.........

I need a year of vacations, a trip around the world without a cell phone, only a camera and books.