Attracted to the light

And people ask me why I realate to Snoopy........:-)



I have a couple of root consoles minimized in my taskbar, an enterprise manager who is apparently angry at me and keeps loosing connection to all cluster db's and a documentation of 1000 pages which I really DO NOT enjoy reading.

But it feels good......why it feels good is a mix of a multitude of reasons, and I have lately been so obligated to write and write and write that I now find it difficult to write for pleasure...pathetic for me ......shame on me.....well its not just that. I have also developed what I can now recognise as a reluctancy of expressing my inner thoughts out into the void.

The void.....difficult to define but felt nonetheless.

My body and my apparent actions are here but my mind wanders and this seldom...no ....almost never happens to me , at least not to an extent that is difficult for me to focus. I'm out of balance yes, but the good kind. Is there a good kind? Hell yeah there's a good kind (kind of exhausting though because I have to keep up 3 personas together all the time)

Its actually quite quiet right now here, completely different than this morning when it was chaos....not the organised one but the other kind...the hectic one.

So my mind easily drifts .....

I am still the same person who was a few weeks before yet I feel quite different.....out of balance (yes I repeat myself) but good.....I talk and interact, produce but still a part of my mind is outside of all this, sometimes observing sometimes in a completely different place, with someone else.

Life is quite unexpected. And it has been said by my betters in much more eloquent ways how difficult it is to open up your closed and guarded self and allow someone to step over it but who is the judge who will tell you when to do it? Answer : Noone, not even you.

You just do it, and as that great kid says to Liam Neeson in Love actually, 'Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love'.

You take a chance and as you grow up the chances become less and less and your own willingness to take them becomes less as well. You reach a point when it just does not even move you, not a tiny bit. And you think, ok that's it for me, I m out of the game because I don't want to play the game , no more interesting 'contestants' and the ones I thought were interesting or equal were delusions probably and at best, have not left a bitterness behind.

Yet, as life would have it, because life is, afterall, not entirely stupid (quite the opposite I would say), you get a sudden kick which tells you, get up, wake up, this is your Life calling, come and re-join the ranks, the Game goes ever on and on.

I still hope, so I still cry at La Traviata. As for Tosca, well that is now for me absolutely exclusive.

My young heart, you are still here, still beating, as sung at Musetta's waltz (that's La Boheme). (Gioventù mia – tu non sei morta – My youth - you are not dead - Quanto m'en vo)

My heart you are still able to feel and get hurt. God, what a relief, I though you were gone.

Particles of dust, dancing in a sunbeam.....

P.S. I feel alive.......and for that I am grateful and happy.

P.S.2. I am listening to Nessun Dorma , the instrumental version. My spine has chills and my eyes water......

P.S.3. The human race is filled with passion. repeat: THE HUMAN RACE IS FILLED WITH PASSION. Do not let that passion fade because of the ones that have been too weak, or afraid, or liars simply to face it.

P.S.4 I am like a butterfly attracted to a bright light

P.S5. Listening to Enigma A posteriori - Private Lounge Remix - Invisible Love the Boca Junior Remix