Well hello world I'm back:)

It's been....what a whole month!!!! since my last post. And so much has happened in a month. Sometimes I think every August is a time of change or of crisis. Well this summer has been a trully strange one.

While I was away I missed cyberspace but it was a needed break. I must admit it was strange not to touch a keyboard for weeks but still I forced myself not to.

However I did not loose the world as other times, mobile phones you see. Its strange to be so far away from home and yet still carry your own world with you, the people you care about and who care about you, your history, your problems and yourself.

It is true that the only person you cannot run away from is yourself , so you better be very good friends.

Surprisingly enough I do not feel as if I've been away at all.

I ve had good news and bad news and alarming news ever since I got back.

What I do miss though and have been unable to find is calmness. I feel as if my soul is in a constant thunderstorm. Not surprising under the circumstances, we all create our personal hell but sometimes we have assistance.

Well I've had some help indeed.

In 2 weeks is my birthday:) People are many times sad on birthdays.

I love my birthday. It means I've had one more year of life on this earth. Good or bad its still....LIFE! I am still alive, still growing and knowing and evolving and feeling. That's something to celebrate.

This year however it is a strange date for me. I anticipatte it with mixed feelings.

I may have been a complete idiot but I have been a knowing one. I have passed all the stages of being angry, tired, crazy, deliriously happy and tragically sad and now......I feel empty like someone who has prepared and sacrificed a lot for long and now.......has been emptied by efforts not necesserily succesful.

I think this is the most dangerous moment of all, the moment when you are left with nothing to loose so you don't really care if you blow everything up because you are so close to loosing yourself.

And this (for me) is unacceptable.

You know what I have missed? To lie on the beach, somewhere with no cell coverage, no communication with the outside world and no one else.....just me.....and silence...and the waves....I've missed...me ....really.

How do you mend a wounded spirit? How do you mend a wounded soul? I guess with tenderness and caring and appreciation. Every wound, every single wound is an add-on, something that piles up into a big wave that threatens to swallow your soul. My soul needs taking care of. Because she is tired and sad and alone. And every smile is an effort. I feel the sparks of life dimmed. And they are irreplaceable.

Surprisingly though general opinion seems to be I've grown much more beautifull in the last month.........

I need a year of vacations, a trip around the world without a cell phone, only a camera and books.