Dear Santa - All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa, I know that in the following year world peace will not prevail, children will still be abused, women and minorities will still be persecuted and the freedom of speech will still remain under a gag order. I know that my country will suffer as myself and so many I love. So dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is hope and strength to hold against the tide.(an agnostic)

Solitude

MORPHEUS: For the hundredth time since I regained it, I reach into the pouch and I touch the sand. I shift it through my fingers. Feel each grain of it, inexhaustible. Endless. Like myself, like the few others of my kind. Endless. Tonight I feel alone. I have always been solitary, but here on the nightward shores of dream, loneliness washes over me in waves, lapping and pulling at my spirit. I sprinkle sand into the waters of night. The grains burn as they fall, reminding me of another in times long passed away. I watched him even then as he fell, his face undefeated, his eyes still proud. It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar.

Intense Life

It's only half past 4 in the afternoon but its really dark and misty outside, raining on and off and the weather is certainly not a mood elevator today.

Back to my old discussion on 'meaning' with myself. Yes yes not that again I know. But what can you , some things just don't change. I guess this is one of them.

I really don't mean to be boring and certainly I don't have to write about it...then again since probably whoever reads this will want to read it (probably just me) it will not be boring. Anyway.......

'Noone expects the Spanish Inquisition' as the Monty Pythons said :-) Then again the unchanged turn of events, the days that pass and the time that floats all around us......the familiarity of everyday life which may be boring or not......it doesn't hold the intense meaning of life that one expects.

So what to expect, lightning to strike? Oh probably not a good idea but then again something DIFFERENT, out of the ordinary, something exquisite, magnificent, meaningful.

I'm sure Brunelleschi felt the same about his faboulous Dome, Sir Christofer Ren for St Peter, Michaelangelo about David, Leonardo about...well Leonardo about everything really, Byron, Keats, Burns, and then the Scientists, Darwin , Einstein, Feynman, Planck, etc etc etc ...and then some more etc.

The thing is.....the thing is I have no Dome to build, no Cosimo to fund me and certainly not Leonardo's flame of inspiration.

I'm left with an agonizing desire for a moment's proximity with experiencing Intense Life as those guys (and so many others) did. (and payed for it dearly with agonizing mental pain)

Intense Life, as described by F.S.Fitzgerald in The Great Gatsby (yes I'm stuck with the great American novel again its that time of the year) and Walt Whitman in his (fabulous) Leaves of Grass.


The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me, he complains of my gab and my loitering.

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable, I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world.

Intense Life. Always connected with creativity, genious and a dash of maddness in my mind. Oh and maybe the feeling of being in love but that is a byproduct I guess.

How do you get to experience Intense Life? Do you really have to be a fictional character, living in someone's fantasy? How do you avoid Thoreau's Lives of quiet desperation? How do you find Meaning?

Well not with Oracle (sorry Larry) and not Unix (sorry Berkeley - LSD and Unix):-)

As Todd says in The Dead Poets Society 'Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. Kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream'

G-R-E-A-T . So what is there to do?

I don't know....I'm more than 3 decades in this world and I don't know.....

I am old enough not to fool myself with the byproducts and excuses and cheap replacements others use to avoid facing the reality of the intensity of the meaning of Life as it should be experienced.

But I do feel it...as sparks in the neurons of my brain that never, absolutely never, stops thinking (uncomfortable at times but makes me....well me), heartbeats that I miss, or chills from the cold rain. Racing heartbeats from intensity of feelings or proximity with extreme creativity or genious, joy from sights that are imprinted forever in the mind to be reflected upon later and missed.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Yes John Keats, my favourite romantic poet, yes you were right but then again you were desperate were you not?

Why is the burden of Meaning and Intense Life so heavy that makes living unbearable?

I need meaning......(and sugar....I think I definately need sugar):)

P.S. I am listening to Ramstein......really? Me?

P.S.2 No, being Jack Bauer does not qualify as Intense Living either :-)

P.S.3 I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life ... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

Thoreau (who else)

P.S.4 Keating: A phone call from God. If it'd been collected, that would have been daring. (and I rest my case) :-)

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love

I can't really explain why my 'obsession' with Peanuts has returned but it has....

So here is my clip for the day....

Now on to other matters at hand.....

My new office is a bit louder and quite more in the center of things....jeez I cant get a moments peace here - everybody - and I mean EVERYBODY can just stop by for....whatever.....

I miss my old office :( Oh well this one is a step closer to the desired goals.....

As I wrote before.....decisions, decisions, decisions.......so hard to make and so hard to stick by......

When you are just starting out you usually go with the flow, you try but without a clear picture of what you actually wish to achieve.

Now, almost 10 and more years later I cannot say my vision is more clear. It has gained more perspective, much more experience but also many more choices have presented themselves. And a lot of accumulated pressure and fatigue. And it is this fatigue that makes the vision blurry.

You think you can handle things but the truth you can only handle things as long as no new elements are introduced. And you don't even know you wanted these new elements to be introduced until they did. And then...then....you want them so much that the whole perspective changes. A...reality switch.....as it is called.

How strange, this kind of certainty, how inexplicable. I have the feeling I will be reading this post some time in the future and not even I will be able to quite understand what I meant. But my reluctancy to reveal things, to express them out into the void appears to grow expotentially.

I feel so tired.......and I wish I could rest but I guess that is not in the stars for me. Come to think of it...I cannot really remember the last time I had a real holiday....when I say holiday I mean, no worries, no concerns, leaving the whole world behind, even for a few days and just ....resting....even if that means climbing Anapurna:)

Well I 'm pretty sure I will not be climbing Anapurna any time soon but I would love a holiday (also not in the plans for the near future unless I make this decision which cuts me up like a knife and is therefore extremely difficult to make). Am I hurting myself by not making it? I don't know but it is my perception that the way I conceive the world and myself in it is through the things I do and accomplish and therefore to give up is a decision I do not know if I can bare.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.....

I know my path is not a frequently walked-upon path. It has been a hard hike but as MacGyver used to say 'I'm a sucker for mornings' (though not such an early riser myself) :-) so every morning brings with it a new day and new opportunities. Does my fatigue stop me from exploring them? I have to entertain this idea, it is a possibility but the thing is, leaving behind a big part of my life, what defines a big part of who I am is so damn hard. I really do not know if or how to do that and I fear it would break me if I did.

So what to do? Oh what to do?

I'm going to go with Baz Lurhman here :

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked.You re not as fat as you
imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Dont be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind,the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life,the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe
you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary,what ever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either , your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can,don't be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own..

Dance,even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

I do love that song......

I have asked for focus and strength which is what someone who always relies on herself asks for. I now ask for hope, courrage and ....(I write the word and I delete it over and over again) help. So if Life is as wise as I think, please listen to me and give me a hand will you? I'm over my head here :)

But no matter how tired I am, the strenght of my convictions and my beliefs is intact. I do still believe in relativity (duh) and what Einstein said 'Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love' .

Hehe.......nope, its definately not gravity.........(I think.....you never know with physics) :-)

*Listening to Where the Streets have no name/Can't get my eyes off of you by The Pet Shop Boys

InBetween Days*

What a year......let me rephrase.....WHAT A YEAR!!!!

It matters not how straight the gate etc etc my head is bloody but unbowed etc etc I'm the master of my fate I'm the captain of my soul. Right.

It is probably useless to try even summarise this past year, useless and unnececerily painful.

So what I can now honestly say is that the last seconds of this year did go with a bang...one I did not anticipate nor expect and I got to face some of my daemons and they were really......kind with me at that confrontation.

To all who have been there in this past year thank you. To all who have not.......I kind of expected it so no worries ( I use that a lot these days)

As Queen Elizabeth of the Tudors said in her Tilbury speech before the battle with the Spanish Armada which changed the course of european history (yes I still do love the Tudors)

'I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too, and think foul scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my realm;'

I could say the same just replace the world England with Self and Parma and Spain with anything that puts one's self in jeopardy and borders of my realm...borders of my consciousness.

Self.....my self....my conscioussness.....my self awareness......which has been put on the line far too many times to count or mention in the last year.....I reclaim it this year.

I want to live. I want to live without fear. So I am prepared to fight, and again as Elizabeth said, to put down in the dust my honour and my blood even. Well not quite so tragically as in battle maybe but in this battle we call life casualties are often less then obvious but casualties nonetheless.

Solitude. I grow and with me my solitude grows, as a steady companion and comforting surrounding. I thought I understood Rilke years ago but every year that passes his Letters
seem to make more and more sense. Everyday I see people afraid of loneliness getting into situations destined to destroy their own individuality.......I say do not be afraid of your loneliness , embrace it and find your solitude and someday you ll be able (probably if you re lucky) to find someone to stand beside you, guarding each other's solitude. But that's maybe asking too much.

They didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark. How right you were Daniel.....

So to sum up a post that really doesn't make much sense.......to the year that passed.......I have only one word form Puccini's Nessun Dorma :

'Vincerò!'

I got to cry again at La Traviata and that was far more than I expected.

And I got to feel things I thought were lost to me so a big salute to Life for her unbelievable and unmistakable ways.......one wink to the Universe just for being (or not being who knows anyway):)

And for the New Year I wish......I wish for myself and for everyone Sapere Aude! Dare to know. Kant's motto of enlightment and “the freedom to make public use of one’s reason in all matters” .

Enlightment, reason , knowledge, a bit of chance, dare and ...maybe.....someone to guard each others solitude.

I think that is enough for one year......one lifetime even :)

As always......I still claim to be Noÿs Lambent, non-Eternal, agent of Reality change and hopeless dreamer of a humanity that will reach the Stars







And now......reality.sys corrupted......reboot Self (not Universe at least not yet anyhow) :-)

*by The Cure (which I shamelessly admit I do like)

I am still here

Life is pain.

Well thank you for the enlightenment dear Buddha but as I wrote some time ago in my fb I don't think the reason for life's pain is desire, I think the reason for life's pain is consciousness.

And as much as this was argued in my facebook status here it cannot be argued since ...well....it is my blog really :)

Anyway.....pain.....can be perceived in so many different ways spiritual or emotional or physical but still pain nonetheless.

The last 3 months have been a cocktail of sorts for me in this area.

Emotional due to the life changing events that took place in my life, changes I did not desire nor expected nor cared for. The very foundations I built my life upon were shuttered and I was left to gather the pieces frightened -truly frightened for what was left for me to be now- and alone.

Spiritual due to the fact that all the decisions I made in the past few years were put under the microscope and many were found wanting. Spiritual because the very meaning of my life was in question here, not just because of what happened but also because of the sudden (although not unexpected) disappearance of everyone I counted on as friend or even more. And not just disappearance but also attempts of manipulating the situation to some other ends...it is one thing to try and manipulate someone when he is strong but it is a completely another thing to do it when he is down. Now that...is cruel and immoral. Very immoral. Many of my memories from the past related to many people were shuttered and for that I am truly in pain. I was....in a very very dark and lonely place , quite resembling my images of Dante's inferno where I could see no light, only darkness.

Physical because I also got ill and was hospitalized which added to this whole situation the sudden break of my body...not unexpected under the circumstances.

But....we humans have an extreme tolerance as it seems and we also have amazing healing abilities. We have a built in mechanism to forget and survive I guess.

Well I have not forgotten, it is after all too soon , but I am beginning to see glimpses of light.

The road to enlightenment is a very lonely road , yes it is indeed, but does it really have to be so damn hard???? Yes...I guess it does.....

I was looking out my hospital window and was utterly miserable and lonely, it was evening and a very dark evening with no afterglow. Suddenly the first drops of rain started to fall, hesitant at first and then all the more bold and even violent. I got up and touched the cool windowglass with my forehead and that touch was sort of liberating, as if the anger of the storm calmed the storm within me, released me even if it was for a brief period of time.

I am used to my solitude, seek it even. Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state of being alone without being lonely and can lead to self-awareness.

In that dark place I could only enjoy my solitude in those hours of the night just before dawn when everyone is asleep, and nature is waiting for the first ray of light.

I had lost myself.

Now I am slowly beginning to find myself again but I am far too tired....oh so tired......so very tired......I do not have the luxury of being tired I have to perform, I have to be there for others and I have to work but oh I'm so very tired.

Sometimes I look at those fairy tale drawings and I see fairies sleeping this enchanted sleep of the fairy queen and I so long for that sleep, I so long to slip into this world as Marion did , to find my long saught after Avalon.

I read lately again Hamlet's monologue from the play Act III Scene I, 'To be or not to be'

Maybe it is that I have grown or maybe it is that I can finally relate to what this monologue is really about :

“	To be or not to be, that is the question; Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub, For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of so long life, For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of th'unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovered country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pitch[1] and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.[2]	”

When we have shed of this mortal coil, and in that sleep of death what dreams may come.

But then again there is this unfulfilled promise to myself, that I will travel all around the world, see some new things just like Mac said and enjoy as much of this pale blue dot as possible.

But conscience ......it does make cowards of us all......you were right Hamlet.....I had to grow to really understand.

I am still here.

(on the left my spirit on the right my psyche)







(all pictures by Arthur Hughes, John Collier and John William Waterhouse, my imaginery companions)

To endure the quiet desperation

Which are the elements that signify and identify the human condition? What is this unchallenged reason that keeps the fire within burning and if lost the flames are extinct?

I am not making much sense probably ...the thing is it gets more and more difficult to see...

I would gladly live in the passion and poetry and drama and lyricism of Byron and Keats and Shelley and Burns and so many others...

But I live in the shadows of those ignorant of the story of Endymion who first told me that a thing of beauty is a joy forever...who first told me to open the eyes of my mind to the realm of the fantasy and spirituality of things as eternal as life in this universe itself.

Oh where is that beauty my fair hero? And where is that one human being to love another for which all other work has been but preparation my beloved poet?

I linger in a solitude that lacks all the romantic spirituality and is full of quiet desperation. My solitude has not the eternal steps of Rome or the fountains of Tivoli. Instead only silence...

My spirit is strong but my will is weak...I cannot seek comfort in pray that would only be a lie and a betrayal I can only do what so many have done before me...I must endure.

2009 - Advertising Space

Advertising Spaces by Robbie Williams

There's no earthly way of knowing
What was in your heart
When it stopped going
The whole world shook
A storm was blowing through you

Waiting for God to stop this
And up to your neck in darkness
Everyone around you was corrupted
Saying somethin'

There's no dignity in death
To sell the world your last breath
They're still fighting over
Everything you left over

I saw you standing at the gates
When Marlon Brando passed away
You had that look upon your face
Advertising space

And
No one learned from your mistakes
We let our profit s go to waste
All that's left in any case
Is Advertising space

Through your eyes
The world was burning
Please be gentle
I'm still learning
You seemed to say
As you kept turning up

They poisoned you with compromise
At what point did you realise
Everybody loves your life
But you ahahh

Special agent for the man
Through watergate and vietnam
No one really gave a damn
Did you think the CIA did

I saw you standing at the gates
When Marlon Brando passed away
You had that look upon your face
Advertising space

And
No one learned from your mistake
We let our profits go to waste
All that's left in any case
Is Advertising space ooooohh

I saw you standing at the gates
When Marlon Brando passed away
You had that look upon your face
Advertising space

No one learned from your mistakes
We let our profits go to waste
All that's left in any case
Is Advertising space

I've seen your daughter
Man shes cute
I was scared but I wanted to
Boy she looks a lot like you

Facing the new year bloody but unbowed, I will not speak, I will not yield, I will only dedicate this song to the previous years, to what I've lost and what I've learned and to everything that has been my life for the past years.

All that's left in any case
Is Advertising space

Invictus.


"Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god."
Aristotle

"Solitude, the safeguard of mediocrity, is to genius the stern friend, the cold, obscure shelter where moult the wings which will bear it farther than the suns and the stars. He who should inspire and lead his race must be defended from traveling with the souls of other men, from living, breathing, reading, and writing in the daily, time-worn yoke of their opinions. "In the morning - solitude;" said Pythagoras; that Nature may speak to the imagination, as she does never in company, and that her favorite may take acquaintance with those divine strengths which disclose themselves to serious and abstracted thought. 'Tis very certain that Plato, Plotinus, Archimedes, Hermes, Newton, Milton, Wordsworth, did not live in a crowd, but descended into it from time to time as benefactors: and the wise instructor will press this point of securing to the young soul in the disposition of time and the arrangements of living, periods and habits of solitude." -- from Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Conduct of Life"

SOLITUDE

Happy the man, whose wish and care
A few paternal acres bound,
Content to breath his native air
In his own ground.

Whose herds with milk, whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire;
Whose trees in summer yield him shade,
In winter, fire.

Blest, who can unconcernedly find
Hours, days, and years slide soft away
In health of body, peace of mind;
Quiet by day.

Sound sleep by night; study and ease
Together mixed, sweet recreation,
And innocence, which most does please
With meditation.

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die,
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.

Alexander Pope

First dates....

"Most people think courage is the absence of fear. The absence of fear is not courage; the absence of fear is some kind of brain damage. Courage is the capacity to go ahead in spite of fear"

M. SCOTT PECK, Further Along the Road Less Traveled

I got this book in the most extraordinary of ways from a man with whom, to my astonishment, I had the best ever first date of my life, at an age where I could not recognize it for what it was.....but I did feel it and it was so intense that it stuck with me ever since, hiding and undermining every other first date (or name any number) I had ever since.

The Road Less Travelled books helped me along the way a long time ago and have done it occasionally since.....and whenever I look at that third book I always think of that man and how that book came along my way. Serendipity. A truly unrecognized and irrational but true force of nature to me. I should have known, we shared our first name (well middle name for me.......)

I never thought that this man and that night would be the criterion of all first dates that were to come since......

Χωρίς νόημα

"You may not believe it, but there are people who go through life with very little friction or distress. They dress well, eat well, sleep well. They are contented with their family life. They have moments of grief but all in all they are undisturbed and often feel very good. And when they die it is an easy death, usually in their sleep. I am not one of them. Oh no, I am not one of them, i am not even near to being one of them. They are THERE and I am HERE".

(The Aliens by Charles Bukowski)

Ένα άρθρο που δεν μπορώ να γράψω αγγλικά, όχι από έλλειψη λεξιλογίου αλλά ίσως διαβάζοντας το Oxford Book of Gothic Tales ντράπηκα (λίγο) για τη χρήση της γλώσσας.

Όχι ότι δεν είχα ξαναδιαβάσει Πόε.....αλλά ίσως η περίοδος και ίσως και οι καταστάσεις ορισμένες φορές σε οδηγούν να κατανοήσεις νοήματα και εικόνες που πριν είχαν περάσει χωρίς τόσο πολύ 'γκρατζούνισμα'.

Περνάω μία 'γκρίζα ζώνη' .Όχι μαύρη σίγουρα όχι άσπρη αλλά γκρίζα.....όπου το παρελθόν έχει όλα τα χρώματα της εκάστοτε εποχής με τις ψηλότερες RGB τιμές να είναι σαφώς λιγότερες από τις χαμηλότερες....

Μιλάω, αντιδρώ και όμως είμαι μέσα σε μία γυάλινη ημιδιάφανη γυάλα.....μπορώ και βλέπω αλλά όχι καθαρα και κάθε επαφή είναι διαμέσω και όχι απευθείας.

Όλοι θα ήθελαν να αλλάξουν κομμάτια από το παρελθόν τους διαφορετικές επιλογές κτλ κτλ.....και ναι ξέρω ότι δεν μπορείς δεν γίνεται κτλ κτλ αλλά και πάλι το θέλεις desperately.

Και αμέσως μετά σκέφτεσαι ότι όχι δεν θα ήθελες να το αλλάξεις γιατί τότε δε θα ήσουν εδώ δεν θα ήξερες κτλ κτλ (και πάλι)

Τόσοι διαφορετικοί δρόμοι που θα μπορούσαν να είχαν προηγηθεί, τόσοι άνθρωποι περπατούν αυτούς τους δρόμους αλλά όχι εγώ......

Και είναι χαρούμενα (σε πρώτη εντύπωση) τα χρώματα αυτών των δρόμων, τα βαμμένα με άσπρο παραθυρόφυλλα, τα καθαρά κλινοσκεπάσματα, τα λουστραρισμένα πατώματα, τα παιδιά με τα καινούρια παπουτσάκια για μένα?

Ήταν ποτέ για μένα?

΄Ηταν ποτε για μένα ο δρόμος με τα πεντακάθαρα πεζοδρόμια, χωρίς διασταυρώσεις, με πολλά φανάρια και χωρίς sideways (δεν γλυτώνω που και που και το αγγλικό)?

Και αν ήταν για μένα τότε γιατί πάντα μα πάντα έστω και την τελευταία στιγμή εξαφανιζόμουν, πηδούσα τους φράχτες και τα πεζοδρόμια για να βρεθώ σε ένα απάτητο μονοπάτι?

Πολλές εικόνες έχω στο μυαλό μου αλλά οι άνθρωποι που είναι σε πολλές από αυτές είναι τόσο μακρυά στο παρελθόν που μοιάζουν με οράματα.

Θυμάμαι τον ήλιο πως φαινόταν μέσα από ένα ποτήρι γλυκό νέκταρ Σάμου, θυμάμαι το Μυλοπόταμο, θυμάμαι το εκκλησάκι που και Εκείνος (ο Εκείνος) το έχει ξεχάσει , θυμάμαι τον ιδρώτα να χύνεται στην πλάτη μου τις 40 μέρες πριν το 1ο dan, θυμάμαι τον πόνο στα γόνατά μου, θυμάμαι τον πόνο στην ψυχή μου τόσες και τόσες φορές, θυμάμαι τα βεγγαλικά στη Βιέννη, θυμάμαι την όαση στη Ντουζ, θυμάμαι τον ήλιο στα μάτια μου και το χέρι του παππού στο δικό μου, θυμάμαι τη μαμά μου όταν μου έδωσε τον Ιωνάθαν, θυμάμαι αστροφώτιστες νύχτες στη Ρόδο, θυμάμαι την περίοδο της μεγάλης σκοτεινιάς (αλλά ίσως και να έχω ξεχάσει ευτυχώς αρκετά από αυτήν)...

Θυμάμαι θυμάμαι και όλο αυτό το μπουρδούκλωμα των αναμνήσεων με κουράζει, ξέρω ότι είμαι εγώ αλλά θέλω καινούριες και αυτός ο μεγάλος Εχθρός (όπως λέει και ο Rodrigo Usher) με εμποδίζει από αυτές.

Πράγματα που για άλλους ή ακόμα και για μένα την ίδια στο παρελθόν είχαν τόση σημασία τώρα έχουν χάσει την αίγλη και την ίδια την αξία τους μέσα στο Εγώ μου. Η ανόητη ίσως φύση μου απαξιεί να ασχοληθεί πλέον.

Ονειρεύομαι και τα περισσότερα είναι εφιάλτες αλλά είναι και μερικά που είναι όμορφα και φωτεινά όνειρα...κολύμπησα με τα δελφίνια και πέταξα με τους χρυσαετούς.....είδα τις ακτίνες του ήλιου στο βυθό των παιδικών μου χρόνων και παραδόξως ήταν μια όμορφη στιγμή για μένα.

Εκείνο το παιδί και εγώ έχουμε χάσει πλέον την επαφή μας με όλους τους άλλους εαυτούς που έχουν υπάρξει και είμαστε μόνο εγώ και εκείνη.

Σα να βρίσκεσαι στο σιδηροδρομικό σταθμό και να περνούν τα τρένα για κάθε δυνατό προοορισμό εκτός από εκείνον που θέλεις (λες και ξέρεις ποιόν θέλεις) και εσύ κάθεσαι στο παγκάκι (του σταθμού στο Aranjuez παρακαλώ) με το Ipod και περιμένεις.

Αλλά στην πραγματικότητα είσαι στην πολυεθνική, με όλα τα projects και τα deadlines, και τα meetings και όλα όσα για σένα είναι ανούσια (εκτός από την ίδια την πληροφορία η οποία και σου δίνει κάποιο νόημα γιατί με κάποιο απόμακρο τρόπο διευκολύνεις τη ροή της και τη διαθεσιμότητά της καθιστώντας τη σημαντική ) αλλά ψάχνεις και ψάχνεις και δεν βρίσκεις ...το Avalon.

Ακούω το Rivers of Belief και ο στίχος take me back to the rivers of belief με πληγώνει όχι μόνο γιατί δεν είχα ποτέ τέτοια αλλά και γιατί ποτέ δεν πρόκειται να έχω.

Γελάω και το γέλιο φτάνει στα μάτια μου αλλά όχι συχνά και στην ψυχή μου....είμαι καλή ψεύτρα ή θέλω πολύ να πιστεψω? The choice is yours...

Vincero από τη Nessun Dorma, θα νικήσω. Never say die που θα έλεγε και ο Rick.....

Αυτοί είναι εκεί και εγώ είμαι Εδώ, σε αυτό το Εδώ το τόσο προσωπικό και το τόσο επώδυνο αλλά και τόσο αναπόφευκτο.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to turn you into everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

Δεν θα αρχίσω να μονολογώ τώρα ότι είναι δύσκολο κτλ κτλ φυσικά και είναι δύσκολο είναι ότι πιο δύσκολο αλλά και ΑΝΑΠΟΦΕΥΚΤΟ για κάποιους.

Πες μου να διαλέξω μια στιγμή την καλύτερη και τη χειρότερη, δεν μπορώ αλλά οι επιλογές για την πρώτη είναι τόσο μα τόσο λιγότερες από ότι για τη δεύτερη.

Φλυαρώ. Και έχω το copyright της φράσης 'μη φλυαρείς'.

Αλλά κουράστηκα να μη μιλάω. Αλλά και οι λέξεις που έχω τη δυνατότητα να πω στο γενικότερο ακροατήριο είναι περιορισμένες...για τον καιρό και την υγεία τον άλλων, the rain in spain κτλ κτλ.....

Με ρωτάς τι έχω αλλά πως να σου απαντήσω? Πονάω για αυτό που δεν ξέρω, για αυτό που επιθυμώ με πάθος αλλά δεν το γνωρίζω , για το νόημα που με πληγώνει με την απρόσιτη φύση του....για τη μοναξιά μέσα σε τόσους ανθρώπους, για τη σκληρότητα αλλά και την απεγνωσμένη προσπάθεια της ζωής να επιβιώσει......

Ευτυχώς που υπάρχουν και τα άστρα ..... γιατί χωρίς αυτά τα μάτια μου θα έβλεπαν μόνο την ημιδιάφανη γυάλα...........αλλα το δικό τους φως τη διαπερνά.....

Έχω αρκετό χρόνο για το δικό μου στίχο κ.Whitman? Θα τον βρω? Θα είμαι κι εγώ απλά μια εικόνα που έσβησε το κύμα? Ακόμα και αν είναι να γίνει έτσι θα είμαι μία πολύ πολύπλοκη και πολυδιάστατη εικόνα που το κύμα θα διστάσει για μερικά nanoseconds πριν τη σβήσει....και ίσως μερικά μόριά της να παραμείνουν στην απεραντοσύνη αυτής της 'θάλασσας' για όποιον θέλει να ακούσει ή να δει......

Virgin Islands, Eric Serra (αυτά τα κύματα) :)

I am trying....

Two days ago was my birthday.

Last year that was a terrible time for me, being sick and everything, in a really mind altering way, my mind and body being crushed under the weight of an unknown enemy that I have to fight till this day.

I promised myself last year, I said this time I'm going to be well and on my feet and I'm also going to be on call (at work)

It was my way of fighting my daemons. I remember the first time I returned to work after not having fully recovered, how strange the keyboard felt under my fingertips. How strange it felt to log on as root to systems that I knew so well but they felt as strangers to me.

It was at that time that I promised myself that I would get through this, I would come back, and one year after I would be my old self.

I dreaded this time, more out of superstition than anything else, even though I believe in science alone and probability says that these things do not happen twice on the same dates. But then again it has happened to me:)

Life......it has been so strange to me this last year, so difficult in general.

You'd think you get used to relying on yourself and yourself alone but you don't.

You fight and you continue, one step at a time as I have come to do this past year but you don't get used to it.

And I long for the things that give meaning to my life, I long to see the hills of Rome and Tuscany, where the light is so translucent it blinds you in joy.

But I am also afraid.

Of so many things. And I used to be fearless. The journey to my old self is impossible, because that self did not have the knowledge of what it means to lose yourself....and then come back. Alone.

So the journey is transformed into adjusting the old qualities with the new knowledge, as any intelligent system has to do.

'Enlightenment is not imagining figures of light but making the darkness conscious'

I am trying....

And continuum

The problem with writing about something so emotionally charged, like Freddie Mercury, is that for a while afterwards you are unable to write anything else because....well.....everything else in comparison is found wanting .....

So here below is a piece about a guy who literally embodies what for me was the most important topic of an essay in high school .....

The topic was what is better, to live your life, a long life like an ant, gathering and gathering goods so that you are provided in harsher times, or sing your lungs out all summer and die at summers end.......

Of course the 'correct' thesis on this is the first, which is what all of my classmates wrote about. I chose the second one to debate on, and was met with dismay by my professors. I was only a child and even though I was a bit shaken my belief still stood strong.

I would rather die singing my lungs out, living than keep silent and gather and become just a past of the mass of constructors.

After the last few weeks I think I have realized what has obsessed me with Freddie. He actually was a Lover (with a capital L) of life and he literally died singing.

In one of his interviews he says 'well of course I love music , its my life but if for some reason I stop making songs or people stop buying them I'll do something else, I dunno, I'll become a stripper.....(reporter)and what music will you strip to Freddie? (freddie) Well my own songs of course darling!'

He accepted what he was with such dignity, with such understanding but also with such easiness that one is enchanted by him.

'I'm just a musical prostitute my dear'

You gotta love this man.

Anyway these are great artists, great men who lived. I'm not a religious person (spiritual agnostic) but there is something in the Bible that fits perfectly "Those not found written in the Book of Life will be thrown into the lake of fire"

Now I know this does not refer to people's lives, it is actually a Christian reference to the Book of Life, however in a broader sense those who do not leave their imprint on life, they will be lost, forgotten and their existence will be matter less.

He certainly left his imprint on life. So now I'm stuck and at the moment I cannot write. It is my own personal Erinya my search for meaning, my search for an imprint on this life.

I feel the moments of time like dust slipping through my fingers and I long for this imprint but I also long for - deep breath - as Freddie said - Happiness.

I want to be happy.

And that is natural I guess but people tend to forget, or rather not understand what happiness is. So...one more time.......no more guilt......I want to be HAPPY.

I want to experience the universe.

I want to share what I have become and my journey towards what awaits me with someone who longs for the same.

Oh stars, you shine so brightly, you blind me in your eternal light.

And I still love you.

Those are the days of our lives - Queen

Sometimes I get to feelin
I was back in the old days - long ago
When we were kids when we were young
Thing seemed so perfect - you know
The days were endless we were crazy we were young
The sun was always shinin - we just lived for fun
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just dont know
The rest of my lifes been just a show

Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing is true
When I look and I find I still love you

You cant turn back the clock you cant turn back the tide
Aint that a shame
Id like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride
When life was just a game
No use in sitting and thinkin on what you did
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just dont know
Better sit back and go with the flow

Cos these are the days of our lives
Theyve flown in the swiftness of time
These days are all gone now but some things remain
When I look and I find no change

Those were the days of our lives - yeah
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one things still true
When I look and I find
I still love you

I still love you

Oh f@ck me....

All I need to say is :

The universe was made on purpose, the circle said. In whatever galaxy
you happen to find yourself, you take the circumference of a circle,
divide it by its diameter, measure closely enough, and uncover a miracle
-- another circle, drawn kilometers downstream of the decimal point. There
would be richer messages farther in. It doesn't matter what you look like,
or what you're made of, or where you come from. As long as you live in
this universe, and have a modest talent for mathematics, sooner or later
you'll find it. It's already here. It's inside everything. You don't have
to leave your planet to find it. In the fabric of space and in the nature
of matter, as in a great work of art, there is, written small, the
artist's signature. Standing over humans, gods, and demons, subsuming
Caretakers and Tunnel builders, there is an intelligence that antedates
the universe. The circle had closed. She found what she had been searching
for."

Nothing more is needed!

I sing the body electric

I look around the office floor and see so many people......many of them I've spent years working with, laughing with, trying with, pushing it with....

Two of my favorites are leaving this week.....so many things changing in life.....but then that's what its all about, changing....

Life is about changing and coping with change and loss but also about traveling this journey with dignity and respect and when you loose this dignity and respect having the courage to stand straight and re-claim them.

I was fortunate to have two great teachers in high school. As with all inspired people, who wish to inspire others and help them grow, they only stayed a semester, school management found some silly excuses and let them go.

One of them introduced me to the Kahlil Gibran and the Prophet as well as The road less travelled and the other to what ancient greek tragedy is all about, and especially Sophocle's Antigoni.

Now this ancient greek tragedy is about algos, greek name for extreme pain of the soul and the mind. Pain and how to rise to the best you can be under it , pain and how to still perform the duty that you bare upon yourself, duty that you choose because you choose who you are or who you become under it anyway.

It was for many years and still continues to be a belief of mine that life is mainly a solitary journey. Sometimes this solitude becomes unbearable but I think it is at those times that one really grows.

They say that time heals all wounds, thats crap in my book. Time heals some wounds, the ones that aren't really so deep even if at the time of the experience you felt as if you were going to die.

Well time does not heal all wounds. As time goes by I ache more and more about people I have lost and can never get back with, as time goes by I regret not remembering more moments with these people, as time goes by I regret remembering only the bitter end and not the wonderful beginning.

Love is such a selfless thing, I realize it more and more as I grow up. My love for my grandfather and my grandmother has not diminished one bit and many years have passed since their passing.

My love for my mother grows and becomes more mature and more desperate as time goes by.

The people who knew me when I was 'innocent', meaning not yet stricken by the hardships of life.....I miss them.

I was talking with my mother the other day and she told me I was a child that would always be asking a question , why this why that......and I recall now my curiosity about everything and my solitude even in my childhood.

A solitude based on 3 decades of evolving , how do you blend that with someone truly and honestly? I have yet to meet someone similar to me.....not that I consider this possible but it would be nice.......

My past relationships, that is what they are, past and even though many wonderful and also not so wonderful memories are left of them, they have a place in my heart and in my past.

I know I will never be the girl that spend countless sleepless nights and then went straight to work because of love. I am older now, I am more mature now, I am more hurt now.

I do not regret those nights , they are wonderful memories and at last I can remember them without pain.

But I am not the same person anymore, and I especially miss a big part of my sensuality that is gone for a long time now.

I have some idea about why this is happening.

And I also know that my soul and body are still mending.

I need a holiday as Bilbo said. And I wish I could take that long holiday.

Sometimes in the darkest hours of the night I feel so.......exhausted, like I have no more courage left. And where to find it?

Well as Freddie said 'The Show must go on'

So, my beloved self, get a grip, hold on tight and endure. More than anything endure. Things will get better :-)

"I am loved by thousands, but I feel like the loneliest man in the world." Freddie

"Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius."
Sir Edward Gibbon

"Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god."
Aristotle

"Solitude, the safeguard of mediocrity, is to genius the stern friend, the cold, obscure shelter where moult the wings which will bear it farther than the suns and the stars. He who should inspire and lead his race must be defended from traveling with the souls of other men, from living, breathing, reading, and writing in the daily, time-worn yoke of their opinions. "In the morning - solitude;" said Pythagoras; that Nature may speak to the imagination, as she does never in company, and that her favorite may take acquaintance with those divine strengths which disclose themselves to serious and abstracted thought. 'Tis very certain that Plato, Plotinus, Archimedes, Hermes, Newton, Milton, Wordsworth, did not live in a crowd, but descended into it from time to time as benefactors: and the wise instructor will press this point of securing to the young soul in the disposition of time and the arrangements of living, periods and habits of solitude."

-- from Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Conduct of Life"

SOLITUDE
Happy the man, whose wish and care
A few paternal acres bound,
Content to breath his native air
In his own ground.

Whose herds with milk, whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire;
Whose trees in summer yield him shade,
In winter, fire.

Blest, who can unconcernedly find
Hours, days, and years slide soft away
In health of body, peace of mind;
Quiet by day.

Sound sleep by night; study and ease
Together mixed, sweet recreation,
And innocence, which most does please
With meditation.

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die,
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.

Alexander Pope

P.S. I was wrong. It took more than a month.

For a decade of love and friendship

I have lots of stuff to write, about Turandot and about so many other things but what comes to mind today is something utterly different.

Everyone of us is born into a family and for better or for worse that's what he has to work with.

But in the course of life, if you're lucky, as my beloved MacGyver said, you get to share some of it along the way with some friends who do become your family.

Those who know me know that I am mostly a solitary person, by choice and by necessity. However there is a person, only one, who has known me now for almost more than a decade.

This one person who knows who he is, he has seen me at my best and worst, he has witnessed some of my darkest but also some of my brightest moments and even though we have had some rough times he has always been there all these years, like a steady rock in the storms of my life.

Whatever his role has been over the years, and he has had many, friend, lover and so much more he is now and will, I am sure, continue to be until we both die one of my own, my family.

He has the unsurpassed ability to accept me for who I am and more than that I think love and appreciate what I am as I do for him, for he is truly an amazing person.

So this is for a decade of friendship and love......thanks.......:) Thanks for holding me up when the world threw me in pieces and thanks for being happy with my happiness......

I could ask for nothing more.....for Daylight that has kept me in my senses more times than I dare to remember.......

My job

This was -is- a horrible month. A terrible month. One of the very worst.

A month that was supposed to be one of the very best, one that I would visit one of my most beloved places in the world and would get to forget at least for a while the reality that I'd be leaving behind.

Well things didn't turn out so well. I got sick and got the first plane home, continued to be sick for the next 3 weeks and am still quite weak, with a lot less weight but 'ready for the beach' as my friends say...

Anyway many things happened during this really dark time, dark not only because I've been sick but also because I came across in a multitude of situations with the cruelty of the modern man. (by man I mean human not actually men)

At this point sitting in my office sounds almost like a blessing to me because it signifies that things are getting back to normal.

Plus people here have become without my understanding it, almost something like family.

It is strange how the people you spend so many hours everyday become so close to you, they know your moods, your smiles, your laughter, your sorrows.

Anyhow, it has been many years since I ve started working. My field is one of the most competitive and hard to work into.

Long hours, unexpected network and so many other problems, upgrades, planning, improvising, troubleshooting etc etc.

I have no knowledge of any other woman in my kind of work , its hard and not really woman friendly.

It took me many years to actually prove who I am, what I am, and actually become who I am, a person who has the whole network topology in her head, someone who can read source Radius code and so many other things not being mentioned here.

It has and continues to cost me a lot , this job. So why do I choose to do it? Because I need the money? Definitely, we all work for money, but its not the main reason.

Ever since I touched my first keyboard, I was only 9, I knew instinctively that this was a life altering moment.

Managing large networks, managing the flow of information, troubleshooting, planning , engineering, improvising.......I love it. I love I absolutely love computer science and especially anything that has to do with the Net.

It changed my life, I believe it changed the life of the whole human race and it is my honour and privilege to work on it.

And not just that. My work signifies me, a large part of me anyway. I have worked so very hard, with the dedication of a trained Olympic athlete and the conviction of a believer to build this persona.

I work to provide for myself, I work to interact with others in my own field, I work to feel useful and I work at this field because it gives me a sense of meaning.

There are many jobs that give you 'free time' and 'quality of life'. That usually means that either you have lots of money or that you're looking for a rich husband.

Well I'm neither. I work in this field because I dig it, because I really want to become what I dreamt of becoming and because I'm ready to make the necessary sacrifices to do so. I do not particularly enjoy the long hours or the on calls but if it wasn't for us then there would not be a whole Internet community out there to begin with.

We are the old ones, the ones that actually built the networks and it is my pride that a big part of this network is built with my assistance.

It takes strength and will and determination and a strong sense of logic to survive in here. But it also gives back the sense of belonging to this global community of dreamers who connect the world through fiber and cat-5.

When I swipe my magnetic card and enter one of our data rooms way down under the earth level I look around and I feel proud and happy.

And that is what this job is for me.........

A perfect moment in time

From 24 horrible hours a perfect moment in time beautifully captured by Nikkor's amazing lenses and brought back into memory now.....

To preserve the beauty and forget the darkness ....

To life! May it always be lived in a Rosso Corsa Ferrari accompanied by one more!
To the unique light of the Eternal City......my heart is still there.....

Love, Agnosticism and numinous - Mysterium Tremendum

I'd love to write something really inspiring or insightful right now but the truth is....I'm too tired:-)

Didn't sleep last night and I'm at work, alone since its Easter holidays and all the rest are on vacations.

I was reading Contact again for the millionth probable time again and as always there was something more there for me to find. I particularly noticed the following passage describing Ellie's relationship with Ken :

" She was sometimes amazed at what she was able to do and say in his
presence, because of their love. She came to admire him so much that his
love for her affected her own self-esteem: She liked herself better
because of him. And since he clearly felt the same, there was a kind of
infinite regress of love and respect underlying their relationship. At
least, that was how she described it to herself. In the presence of so
many of her friends, she had felt an undercurrent of loneliness. With Ken,it was gone.

She was comfortable describing to him her reveries, snatches of
memories, childhood embarrassments. And he was not merely interested but
fascinated. He would question her for hours about her childhood. His
questions were always direct, sometimes probing, but without exception
gentle. she began to understand why lovers talk baby talk to one another.
There was no other socially acceptable circumstance in which the children
inside her were permitted to come out. If the on-year-old, the five-year-
old, the twelve-year-old, and the twenty-year-old all find compatible
personalities in the beloved, there is a real chance to keep all of these sub-personas happy. Love ends their long loneliness. Perhaps the depth of love can be calibrated by the number of different selves that are actively involved in a given relationship. With her previous partners, it seemed, at most one of these selves was able to find a compatible opposite number; the other personas were grumpy hangers-on. "

I have been looking for a way to describe this exact feeling for all past relationships, the good ones because the bad mostly do not make you feel good about yourself. And Carl Sagan does it amazingly in 2 paragraphs.

I do not think I have even encountered this person that all my different sub-personas can be happy with. I have always felt and still do that I need to be someone else and not who I actually am, because who I actually am is, truly, to hard to swallow.

I know this. I know what I am asking for is .... well.....at least my own equal if not more. And that, I know, is A LOT to ask for. And as Ellie says I am truly, honestly, most profoundly solitary in my world of 210 facebook friends. The circle of people I know is huge but I in it I cannot find someone to actually take all the burden of breaking into this solitude....

Now to do that of course he would have to be able to understand and appreciate that solitude for what it is and not try to rip it apart but gently stand beside it.

Being solitary...it is a choice you are driven to , a necessary choice that you cannot escape when you start evolving in a way uncommon to most people.

And it goes together with an enormous sense of compassion and love for humanity, with all its faults but all its wonderful dreams. As the Caretakers told Ellie it was Beethoven that gave them the hope in order to contact the human race.

All great works of art and of the mind for me inspire love and also a sense of the numinous, of misterium tremendum and so does science....for me. I do actually believe that the Andromeda Galaxy is as numinous as Botticelli's Venus, and possibly more.

I remember distinctly 2 separate occasions where I have experienced this sense of numinous......once in front of Monet's Venice (where for no apparent reason, while casually looking at the painting, my eyes watered, my chest felt as if it was going to explode and my mind was racing full of energy and hope and infinite sadness but also joy)

The other time I was alone, under a starlight sky without a moon, on a mountaintop in Pelio, gazing at the Milky Way. And as I stood and watched this sense of grandeur, this magestic, mysterium tremendum, filled my mind and my eyes and my legs faltered for a second and I braced myself full of joy and hope and - for only fragments of time - with my solitude lifted by something bigger than life.

The thing is....most of what I write about here are for most people mambo jumbo, waste of time etc etc. And for the rest , the very few rest, a very good way to insanity.

You see the vastness of space and the infinite of time can drive someone crazy when it is not accompanied with love. And it so seldom is.

Love makes the emptiness bearable. And I say love, not sex, not in love, no, pure unconditional love that says I love you for who you are, whatever you are, because you make my own perception of this delusional reality so much more beautiful and I want to make you happy in any way I can with no refunds because of who you are.

I would love to experience that.

Finishing I have to quote my beloved Carl Sagan again in what to me is the closest to religious experience I would ever hope to get :

" The Argus computer was so persistent and inventive in its attempts to
contact Eleanor Arroway that it almost conveyed an urgent personal need to
share the discovery.

The anomaly showed up most starkly in Base 11 arithmetic, where it
could be written out entirely as zeros and ones. Compared with what had
been received from Vega, this could be at best a simple message, but its
statistical significance was high. The program reassembled the digits into
a square raster, an equal number across and down. The first line was an
uninterrupted file of zeros, left to right. The second line showed a
single numeral one, exactly in the middle, with zeros to the borders, left
and right. After a few more lines, an unmistakable arc had formed,
composed of ones. The simple geometrical figure had been quickly
constructed, line by line, self-reflexive, rich with promise. The last
line of the figure emerged, all zeros except for a single centered one.
The subsequent line would be zeros only, part of the frame.

Hiding in the alternating patterns of digits, deep inside the
transcendental number, was a perfect circle, its form traced out by
unities in a field of noughts.

The universe was made on purpose, the circle said. In whatever galaxy
you happen to find yourself, you take the circumference of a circle,
divide it by its diameter, measure closely enough, and uncover a miracle
-- another circle, drawn kilometers downstream of the decimal point. There
would be richer messages farther in. It doesn't matter what you look like,
or what you're made of, or where you come from. As long as you live in
this universe, and have a modest talent for mathematics, sooner or later
you'll find it. It's already here. It's inside everything. You don't have
to leave your planet to find it. In the fabric of space and in the nature
of matter, as in a great work of art, there is, written small, the
artist's signature. Standing over humans, gods, and demons, subsuming
Caretakers and Tunnel builders, there is an intelligence that antedates
the universe. The circle had closed. She found what she had been searching
for."

People ask me why I call myself an agnostic and not an atheist, as if I do not hold the courage of my convictions. Still I consider myself a deeply spiritual person but...the data isn't in yet to formulate a meaningful answer. Carl Sagan said it, Asimov's Multivac said it and I say it......

And as for ever lasting love, I have to quote William Butler Yeats :

" You say there is no love, my love, Unless it lasts for aye. Ah, folly,
there are episodes Far better than the play."

Episodes, that makes us who we are , make us grow in our solitude in order to discover who we are to be able to reach the point where we come together with another person to protect and guard each other solitudes.

VSA FAIL

*#$&%#(#(%(%&@(@(@#U(@(@&(@(@$@)()%^*&%^(*&%(^*&%(*

VSA Fail vendor specific attribute fail my @ss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All day today.....all VPN's!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Masquerade