Numb.....that's how I can describe myself now.

So strange...numb with sudden bursts of ache usually caused by images.

This is not a welcome numbness. It is not comforting nor soothing.

It is as if you take a step back and watch life from a glass window.......and you wait. I know this is a phase, one that one has to go through in order to recover. And it is also much more welcome than the nervous tension that precedes it.

But I do miss excitement. And spontaneous laughter. I miss waking up smiling or at least light.....at heart.

They say friends help you through. Very true as long as they are true friends and have the time and the willingness.

What helps me? Oh the usual (for me).....movies (I saw again 'Someone like you' with Hugh Jackman....my favorite, Love Actually, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade etc....), series (I saw yesterday at long last the first 2 episodes of season 6 of 24.....Jack Bauer rulezzzzzzz), music (Enigma A posteriori - I keep listening to Goodbye Milky Way), sleep (I guess I've been deprived for too long), books, art (I'm digging into the complete works of Leonardo and a study on Fairy art) and loneliness.

I feel empty and cold. There are moments that I'm better but mostly I'm just trying to refill a bottomless pit. Or maybe a fountain that was always full and ready to give but now......well I never thought it would happen but it has run out.

But then when I consider all this I get angry. Really angry and I say ...no I promise that I will not let the fire go out, spark by truly irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless and vain attempts of the not-quite, not-yet, not-at-all.

Life.....it does take courage. And the will to carry on even when things are so rough that you just want to curl up and cry. Well.....cry you must sometimes but then you wipe your eyes , you put on your makeup (yeah I'm a woman so what?), and you get ready to face the rest of your life.

With dignity, and respect, and strength and passion. So difficult when you have doors slammed at your face.

There is a certain connection that one has with his soul. Like a connection or a feeling, I cannot really describe it but I feel it, the true essence of who you are. You know it and you feel it, usually at your very best but even in the quiet hours of the night, or in crisis when you ache and you cry out and this connection with yourself keeps you and holds you and gives you strength.

I lost that......by trying to hard for something else. I didn't understand it while it was happening but I am now trying to re-establish it. Its not easy.

I just talked to Nikos P. I have never met a manager like him. I truly and honestly admire and like him.

Well...back to work. Always a good way of passing the time......