Side order of life

I have been unable to write.....

Maybe because of the hectic period that has been my life for the past couple of months, maybe some events finally caught up with me and silenced my voice and maybe because once again I felt like I m drifting in life with no meaning other than going through the everyday difficulties....

But tonight watching an episode of a new series, called 'Side order of life' I heard what was probably sort of a wake up call.....

One of the characters has a terminal disease and she orders a full - fat meal.....her friend orders a salad with the dressing on the side

And she says to her 'You take your salad with the dressing and no side orders! Life is not about side orders!'

The thing is......life is indeed not about side orders......

You go through it and you worry about things like calories or what your ass looks like or if he will call you in the morning or....or.....or......

The only thing I wanted from life was.....well.....everything :)

And I think this is the only way to go through life, asking for everything.....

You grow up and society requests that you abide by the 'rules', all the rules that say you have to give up your individuality and the search for who you are your personality to follow the usual steps, and end up sadder and lonelier and unable to recover the individuality you had when you were starting

MacGyver said some people are afraid of those who run free.....

I have come to embrace my loneliness, my path , my own company.....

I did take the road less traveled not fully aware what I was doing at the time but now fully aware....

You never heal from the wounds of the past and as I grow older I miss more the people I will never get to see again and the life I will never get to have wit them...and I am talking about grandparents not lovers

As far as lovers is concerned...well the one that had the most painful effect on my life came back telling me he was wrong in his choices but it is too late......life has moved on and so have we both...

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I will be less alone, even though spiritually I hope so but do not dare to hope

Rainer Maria Rilke wrote :

"......I don't want you to be without a greeting from me when Christmas comes and when you, in the midst of the holiday, are bearing your solitude more heavily than usual. But when you notice that it is vast, you should be happy; for what (you should ask yourself) would a solitude be that was not vast; there is only one solitude, and it is vast, heavy, difficult to bear, and almost everyone has hours when he would gladly exchange it for any kind of sociability, however trivial or cheap, for the tiniest outward agreement with the first person who comes along, the most unworthy. . . . But perhaps these are the very hours during which solitude grows; for its growing is painful as the growing of boys and sad as the beginning of spring. But that must not confuse you. What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours - that is what you must be able to attain. To be solitary as you were when you were a child, when the grown-ups walked around involved with matters that seemed large and important because they looked so busy and because you didn't understand a thing about what they were doing. "

Solitary.......

Oh I have been pretty busy the last few months, being project manager of the AAA upgrade project, successfully finishing it, getting a lot of credit for it, having a lot of work related success and victories, working day and night and forgetting about myself, learning like crazy, moving offices, seeing people for what they really are, cowards (some of them), and seeing also how great friends others are...

I enjoy my solitude , I need it now.....

I have so little time to give to anyone that requests it and so many request it that I avoid them in order to have some time to restore myself from an everyday life that is too hectic to bare

And I still haven't found THE meaning but I have become much less conversational about it, the next person that tells me its time to get married and have kids is in for a black eye

I m not ready to have kids or get married, I dunno if I ever will be and at this point I m not ready or willing to be commited to anyone either

All I want is .....everything :)

And I think somewhere along the way, after many more poetry by Rilke and Kahlil Gibran, many more paintings by Canaletto and Da Vinci, many more movies and books etc etc...there is someone along the way that I might be able to share my solitude with

But not yet.....

Oh I did go to the airport the night of July 20 , a Friday and got the first copy of the airplane-delivered first edition of the final chapter in the Harry Potter series. And I cried because Dobby the house elf dies, and because Harry diggs up the grave for that brave house elf with his own bare hands.

It seems that as Galadriel says even the smallest person can change the course of the future......

Oh and here is something from a collegue who had a side I never knew or imagined he had :) Way to go Kostas!!!