Focus and strength - * With or without you

Decisions, decisions, decisions.....

From the smallest to the biggest, what to eat, which movie to see, continue striving with work and university when clearly overworked and tired, allowing people in and so many others.

My last university essay (a topic I'm pursuing just because I want to and has nothing to do with my industry, Computer Science) had to do with the Dark Ages and Early New Europe (Λιμοί και Λιμός LOL!!!!!!!! - very very private joke for a couple of eyes only).

I find myself not conflicted but strangely satisfied by my field of work and my field of studying at the moment. They say that there comes a time you stop studying, but not for me. I wish I had the time to go through everything that has to do with the human condition, how we perceive the universe, philosophically and scientifically, how we have evolved, who are we, what are we doing here.........studying for the joy of it is probably never stop asking the questions.

And, God, there are so many to ask :-)

Robert Frost said

'Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler; long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth;
- Then took the other, as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy and wanted wear; though as for that, the passing there had worn them really about the same.
- And both that morning equally lay, in leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
- I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence; two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.'

Cliche but true nonetheless.....

But I'm also dissapointed....well maybe dissapointed is not a proper word. In the past year I have fought with any and all strength that I could muster to stay afloat. And, to my great surprise, it seems I did.

I didn't quit university, I didnt quit my job, I was broken but it really doesn't matter how you fall but how you rise.....and I managed to rise in so many ways. And now, when I'm starting to get into balance, here comes something to blow me out of balance.

Worth it? I thought so......I would like to think so. Is that objective? No......is that right? What are the criteria to judge?

What I do know is that people very rarely find people that they consider unique. Divine beasts I should say in a world filled with anything but.......

And there are words, actions, thoughts that scar people......scar them and make them ache. Strong people can distinguish and even with a considerable effort and pain make a calculated decision. And rise to meet Life.

One asks you to open up and break the borders of your solitude for him. Well first of all he has to have the strenght and the will to do it for himself as well , and probably, be so kind as not to ask you to take such a huge bet on......blind faith. Faith....I have all the faith in the world in Newton's law of gravity. And I would bet my life on that.....all other bets....are difficult.

People.....as the song goes, 'everybody's got to learn sometime'. So if you want me to change , you gotta change as well.

I have my clusters and my databases and my Dark Ages and my music and my books and my memories and my solitude and all that consists and makes up Me. And that is worth to be appreciatted for itself, not compared nor used as a substitute. After all, if you're not the Leading Lady of your life you're always gonna be a supporting Actor.

My body is recovering, my mind is recovering and strong, my will is unbent......I want it all because I nearly escaped the Great Reaper so for now I want it all and I want it now.

Isn't that one of the things that make me human? I think so.

There is no innocence, only degrees of guilt - somethings never change - . Careful with your own.........guilt or innocence.

As the song goes ' I can't accept that we're going nowhere, lay down beside me, one last time lets go there....'

I ask for focus and strenght......

* Listening to With or without you by Connie Williams