Henry David Thoreau once said : " Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them"

Now why do so many people live lives of quiet desperation? I bet you can think of many reasons but not one in particular that would urge one to make such a statement.

And that's the tragic of it , cause if it was one big tremendous cause, the the desperation would not be quiet. It would be loud and apparent and we would all do something about it. (yes call me innocent but I still do have faith in humanity.....)

We live lives of quiet desperation, because of the heavy burden of expectations laid on our shoulders from the moment we are born, because for most of us in the western world our lives our supposed to follow a path. Go to school, be good students, go to university , get a good job as a lawyer or a doctor or something, have a couple of wild years and then settle down with a nice guy or girl, have kids, get that mortgage for a house, buy a nice family car etc etc. And then die.

I'm sure everyone knows what I mean.

Well.......that's where quiet desperation comes in. In all this apparently wonderful picture (yikes) there is no room for creativity, for exploration, for mistakes, for self realization, for finding out who are we, what are we doing here? For fuc...ng meaning!

A life without searching for meaning is a desperate life. A life without daring is a meaningless life. But the alternative is followed by criticism from anyone who inhabits our little everyday life. A life of daring, a life of denying cynicism, a life of love for the universe and humanity....well that is a daring life. And most of us do not dare to follow our dreams or our most crazy desires out of fear.

As Yoda said "Fear is the path to the Dark Side" (Please no Jedi jokes I'm serious):)

Fear leads to pain and suffering and despair.

Sure enough if you follow every crazy thought you have you're bound to make mistakes, be disappointed, be hurt and so much more. Is the alternative better? To settle in a life you hate, find someone people say is right for you, a good job 9 to 5.........My whole life I've been resisting this compromise, however as time passes it takes so much more energy and will to do so.

I reject living my life in quiet desperation! If I am to live in this world then I want to hurt as much as possible, experience the fullness of every feeling because, as a Samurai said when dying by the hand of an enemy : "I do not want an easy death. Kill me slowly and painfully so I remember what it felt like to be alive"

I'm not a mazochist, I don't like pain. I like happiness and laughter. However our lives are irreversably bound with pain.

So, do we risk our feelings, our mentality and our heart or do we follow the safe path? Sometimes the choice is difficult...and sometimes, trust me, the choice is so apparent , that even though you know you're going to hurt and maybe have your heart crushed, you know, you just know, you have to follow this road, because the alternative is unthinkable.

Sure, com'on and tell me that it is the advantage of prudent people to be able to overcome their passions and make the right choices.

Right choices? You really want to live your life only making right choices? And who on earth can tell me that my choices are not right? I'm true to myself , I do and say what I feel, and I'm proud of it. So if that is not a right choice, why should a life of lying to yourself and others be the right choice?

Society, prestige, social status, lies behind closed doors, years spent with someone you secretly despise.......well damn me if I live like that.

Maybe I can speak this way because, ultimately, I still feel so very young. I know so many others who at the same age are settled down, with a couple of kids, with all their wildest dreams locked in a closet, with that nice house and car.....and absolutelly no passion. No meaning. Living in quiet desperation. Never having allowed themselves to search for a better song to sing.

So.......in the time that is ahead of me now.....I know that the choices I have made and am going still to make are probably going to be considered by some as...well....crazy:)

But....I feel I have been given a gift, something I did not expect for some time now. Well.....I know that I will be called to the cashier, but hopefully the prize will not be devastating. However even if it is.....I'm ready to pay it. Cause what I get out of it....is well....my soul.

I know I do not believe in God, but....if there is a meaning out there......please give me the strength to follow my path because if you've been lonely all your life its easier to follow it , than experience the exhilarating feeling of not being lonely at last , and than loosing it, and being more lonely after that.

I can't wait for tomorrow.....and all the rest of tomorrows that come after it, because I'm looking forward to them, each one brings me closer to what I'm determined to do:-)

P.S. Wish list : Invent a teleporter........:)

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley